Down for maintenance
by Tak Membrane
Summary: WHOA. HOLD THE PHONE. What IS this? IT'S A FANCTION. a MAGICAL fanfiction keyword: MAGICAL. IT'S F*CKING MAGIC.THIS FANFIC OPENED MY EYES TO THE VERY MEANING OF LIFE I NOW KNOW WHY I EXIST, THANKS TO THIS FIC. Pretty amazing huh? humor Doc/Mas slash
1. Chapter 1

**This is gonna be a series of severely retarded drabbles that I write about doctor and master. Mainly, I'm gonna be using the tenth doctor. But the others will make an appearance as well. **

**read at your own risk.**

**

* * *

**Doctor lead the Master into his TARDIS. They were in yet another fanfiction where the Master didn't die at the end of LOFTL. Master was beginning to get sick of those fanfics.

Doctor, however, thought that they were brilliant.

Or should I say...FANTASTIC?! MAN, I'M CLEVER.

Anyways, Doctor sat Master down on the couch in the console room and then he took out a necklace-like thingy-mah-booper. The master sneered.

"And what exactly is that?" he spat at Doctor. Doctor wiped the spit off of his face.

"This? Oh...ummmm.....Nothing...nothing..." Doctor muttered as he placed it over the masters head. Once the necklace was around his neck, it shrank so that it couldn't be removed.

" Just tell me what it is." Master hissed. Doctor rolled his eyes and put his hands on his hips, which made him look incredibly gay.

"It's a shock collar if you MUST know" doctor explained. Master glared at him angrily.

......actually....come to think of it....that's really the only way that you CAN glare at somebody....I mean....If the Master glared at him HAPPILY.....that just wouldn't make any sense.....

huh....

Moving on...

"And WHY do I need a shock collar? Isn't that a little....degrading?" Master asked. Soda is weird.....I mean...like....really weird.....BELCH.

"You need a shock collar so that I can control you. Normally I don't condone violence, but since this seems to be the only way to keep you in line....well...you know." Doctor said.

"I hate you"

"I love you too."

"What?"

"nothing"

"oh..."

There was a long awkward silence.

master coughed. Doctor shifted his weight from foot to foot.

Master tackled him to the floor and they began to make out viciously and take off each others clothes.

Suddenly, Rose walked in and threw her arms in the air.

"AW C'MON! WHAT THE HELL?!"

Doctor turned around to look at her. He sneered.

"GO MAKE ME DINNER, WOMAN." he growled. Rose burst into tears and ran away sobbing about how nobody understood her. She would later schedule an appointment with Dr Phil.

Master grabbed doctor by his face.

"Ooh, I do ADORE the aggressive side of you doctor." He whispered whilst wrapping his arms around doctor.

Doctor promptly shoved him away and stood up angrily.

"AND YOU! YOU WITH YOUR 'CHAN' AND 'THOUGH'S!!!! YOU DRIVE ME INSANE!!!" doctor screamed. Chanthough ran away crying. Master looked at her perplexed.

"I thought I killed her..." He muttered. Doctor glared down at master and kicked him in the side.

"SHUT UP BITCH. IF I WANT YOU'RE OPINION, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU!" he bellowed. Master winced and began to sob uncontrollably.

"I....I c-can't help it doctor....puh-please don't hurt me again!!!" master winced. And suddenly, he was covered in scraps and bruises and such.

Doctor grinned. Man, those boo-boo's on the master really turned him on.

Russel T Davies observed what was going on. He shrugged. It made about as much sense as any other episode.

* * *

**I'm sorry.**

**I'm so sorry.  
**


	2. random crap that you don't care about

**YOU WILL ALL DIE SOMEDAY.**

**YEAH. YOU CAN ALL THINK ON THAT.

* * *

**

Once upon a time master was at the Gay bar.

THAT Is how you start a proper fanfic. Either that or "One Day Erik woke up Gay". Ha ha. Oooh man. anyways

One night, Master went to the Gay bar. It was quite the experience.

Then, he headed back to the Tardis with two floozies hanging off of his arms, all them of them roaring drunk.

The doctor was rather annoyed. He stood up and walked over to the Master.

"Master....who are these girls?" he asked. Master frowned and let what doctor said run through his head a couple of times.

"Uhm.......this ish whaserface and this is slutty mc trampy tramp." he announced proudly. The girls kept a tight lip through all of this. Doctor rubbed his temples.

"Okay.....girls...you need to go home now" Doctor ordered. The girls frowned and Doctor escorted them out. Master frowned.

"YOU GOOD SIR....ARE VERY.........I lost my train of thoughts....." Master slurred. Doctor sighed and grabbed Master by the shoulder.

"Come on... Let's get you to bed"

"NO!" master screeched and he ran away.

"MASTER!"

"NO!"

Doctor and Master chased eachother around the console room, all the while Master was shouting 'No' at the top of his lungs.

"GET BACK HERE!"

"NO! NO! NO!" Master howled and he crawled underneath the rotting dolphin carcass.

"MASTER! STOP BEING SO DIFFICULT AND GET OUT FROM UNDER THE DOLPHIN!" Doctor yelled. Master burst into tears. Doctor paused and walked towards him slowly.

"Master....?"

"S-SHUT UP! GO AWAY! I'M BUSY BEING DRUNK AND MISERABLE!" Master sobbed. Doctor put his hand on Masters shoulder.

"Are you okay...?" He asked gently.

Master bit him. Hard.

"AAAAAGH! LEGGO LEGGO LEGGO! " He screamed and he tried to pry his hand free from Master's mouth.

Suddenly, Turlough ran in with a box of Legos.

"DID SOMEBODY SAY...LEGO?!?" he cheered.

Turlough frowned and looked at what was going on. He looked down sadly and left with his lego box. Poor turlough.

Roughly an hour passed and Doctor finally pulled his hand out of Masters mouth. It was bloody and covered with saliva. Doctor wiped it on his pants.

"ALRIGHT. YOU ARE GOING TO BED RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN." He bellowed and he slung Master over his shoulder. Master began to cry again.

Doctor carried him into his room and lied him down in the bed.

"Alright....Just try and get some sleep okay?" He said. Master pulled the blankets up to his face and smiled.

"will you tell me a stooooory?" he mumbled happily. Doctor glared at him.

"Good night, Master" He spat, turned out the light and slammed the door.

Master smiled, curled up in a ball and fell asleep; blissfully unaware of the Hangover he would have the next morning.


	3. what?

**I SURE DO LIEK MY 'WICKED'

* * *

**Master looked at doctor. Doctor smiled hopefully and waved at him.

Master narrowed his eyes. Doctor looked down sadly.

The master skin began turning a strange tint of blue. Doctor blinked and tilted his head back slightly.

"Erm...master?"

Master widened his eyes. His eyes continued to widen until they couldn't possibly get any bigger. Meanwhile he was turning darker and darker blue.

Doctor stood up and took a step towards Master. He put his hand on his shoulder.

"Master....are you holding your breath? Are you....just turning blue to spite me?"doctor asked.

Master began shaking violently. Doctor gasped.

"OH GOD!" doctor screeched and he ran over to the fire extinguisher.

On his way there, Doctor met up with Martha.

"Oh hi doctor! How ya doin'?" she asked. Doctor knocked her to the ground.

"NOT NOW MARTHA! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!" doctor screamed. martha gasped and ran into her room.

Doctor ran back to master and sprayed him with the fire extinguisher. Once the...fire thing....was empty master began wiping the....stuff....off of his face.

He was no longer blue.

Doctor sat back down and picked up a book and began to read it.

* * *

**I have no idea what I just wrote.**


	4. unintelligent

**WE'RE NOT FALLING IN LOVE WE'RE JUST FALLING APART!**

**

* * *

**The master wiggled.

He felt something press against his forehead. It was warm and sweaty. ew. FOOT.

MASTER FUCK

I AM REALLY HYPER RIGHT NOW. HO BOY.

Master jumped out of bed.

"GOOD MORNING UNIVERSE! WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY TO BE ALIVE!" Master exclaimed. Doctor gasped and backed away from then promptly fell on his butt.

"master? you okay?" doctor asked.

Master grabbed his die-pod (GEDDIT?! CUZ HE'S EVIL. THE JOKE HERE BEING THAT HIS I-POD IS ACTUALLY A **DIE-**POD!!!) and turned on a song. He then plugged it into the stereo.

A slow song began to play. Master grabbed doctor and pulled him to his feet. He began to lead the two of them in a romantic dance.

Master put his hand on doctor's hip. Doctor pulled his hand off.

"ALLLLRIGHT. That's quite enough of that!" Doctor said. Master scowled.

"Jerk. Now what am I supposed to do?" Master asked. Doctor shrugged.

"We could go get some breakfast if you want. I mean...you like food right?" Doctor asked. Master nodded. He liked food as much as hedonism bot liked getting his nipples waxed by sandpaper.

The two of them went over to the kitchen and doctor turned on the stove.

"BAM!" he shouted. Master rolled his eyes.

"SEX"

"WHUT" doctor said as he turned around quickly.

Master smiled seductively. The two of them began to make out on top of the breakfast table even though there were pancakes and syrup on it. Doctor pushed master against it, crawled on top of him and snogged him violently.

"mmmmm Master." doctor moaned.

Master suddenly pulled away from doctor.

"Wait a minute doctor...Shouldn't we get rid of the pancakes? I mean...the syrup is gonna get EVERYWHERE." master said.

_EVERYWHERE._

_IMAGINE THAT DEAR READER. SYRUP SEX._

_HA. _

_I FUCKED UP YOUR BRAIN. WHAT NOW?_

Doctor frowned.

"That's a good point. Lets do it on the stove instead"

Smut ensued.

Martha walked inside. She looked at the two of them.

They continue to make out.

"Good morning Doctor" Martha yawned.

"mmmmmmorning Martha" doctor slurred between kisses. Martha opened up the fridge and frowned in confusion.

"Where are all of the Hob Nobs?" Martha asked.

"MMmmm Oh sorry.....I ate them all in another fanfiction" Master said and he continued snogging doctor. Martha sighed, made some cereal and sat down at the breakfast table.

Suddenly, nothing happened.

* * *

**alright, um....I swear to god I'm not a retarded nine-year-old on acid. **


	5. what is this

The master reached out for something.

anything.

anything he could grasp onto. He felt like he was falling, drifting downwards into a pit. On;y he couldn't feel any walls in the pit. He was under extreme pressure. The drumming was so loud that it sounded like explosions. He suppressed a sob.

He began to claw at the top of the pit. There was nothing. Nothing but an endless ocean of more coldness. He screamed and fell again to the bottom of the pit.

Meanwhile.....

The doctor was sweating. He was trapped. Trapped in his own past. His own memories of what he had done. He also had no escape. No way to free himself from the pain and torment. Every second of every minute of every day was filled with his memories of Gallifrey. HE KILLED THEM. They were all dead and rotting in the ground ALL BECAUSE OF HIM.

The guilt drove him to insanity. He felt like he couldn't control himself anymore and he screamed. He didn't want to live anymore. It was all too painful. Everyone he ever traveled with him left. Rose was gone forever and she too haunted his nightmares. Donna had forgotten all about him. That was also his fault. Astrid had fallen to her tragic and untimely death, never to breath again.

And the master. The master had died and come back countless times. And that too was Theta's fault. Everything seemed to be his fault. There was no point to life anymore.

But there was. The master. He wanted to help him, save him. He NEEDED to save him. To save himself from the guilt.

Theta held Koshchei's head in his hands and entered his tormented, ravaged mind. He could hear the drumming _n_ow. It was so loud. So painful.

But he banished it. Theta banished it away from his friend. He saved him.

No longer was Koschei trapped in an endless pit of drumming and no longer was Theta trapped in his guilt.

BECAUSE NOW THEY HAD EACH OTHER.


	6. I dont even

**Hey guys remember last chapter?**

**April fools.**


	7. snort not even

**JUST TAKE MY HAND. **

**JAPAN IT WITH ME!!!!**

**Everybody go look up "Japan it" on youtube. It's an awesome, awesome song.

* * *

**Once upon a time, Master was watching one of doctor's stupid Dvds. Something called red dwarf. He hated it. Just then, Master heard the door open a crack, he reached for his claymore and pointed it directly at the door, thinking that the awful, deranged gorilla was back to bother him again.

This was not the case. Instead it was some random twat that he'd never seen before. Master lifted an eyebrow.

The girl ran up and hugged him. Master tried to squirm away.

"WHAT ARE YOU--GET OFF!" he spat. The girl looked up at him confused.

"Y arent you crying tears of joy?" she asked. Master frowned.

"What? Why should I? I--I don't even know you!" He said. The girl looked at him angrily.

"Dont provocke meh & my naruto chibi army!!!1" she said.

Master snorted.  
"Doctor, get this fake shit outta here."

Doctor did so. And after taking out the trash, He sat down by Master.

"So whaddaya wanna watch?" Doctor asked. Master shrugged.

"I dunno. Wanna watch more Terry Gilliam movies?" Master suggested.

Doctor grinned.

"Bitchin'!"

They high fived.


	8. Personally I blame RTD

**HI everyone. This author's note is very important. **

**Okay, Does ANYBODY know where I can watch the third episode of the 1995 TV show "Chiller"?**

**The third episode is called "Here comes the mirror man" and it stars John simm.**

**PLEASE PLEASE give me a link if you know where I could watch that.**

**Thank you.

* * *

**

ONCE UPON A TIEM, Doctor was reading a book labeled "The study of wumbology" when...

MASTER SUDDENLY BURST INTO THE ROOM AND TACKLED HIM TO THE GROUP.

He then proceeded to make out with him. It was quite the scene. Quite the scene indeed.

MAN, I am SO GLAD, that I don't have writers block anymore.

Anyways, after they finished up with that, the two of them sat up and Doctor lifted his eyebrow really high up. In the air. But not really, because his eyebrow is actually attached to his forehead. But what if it wasn't? Man, can you imagine? Gosh that would be so dreadful. Kinda like doctor dreaful, whom by the way, is a sexxy sexxy beast. I mean, considering how much the man wiggles his eyebrows and all. Hurmp! heh heh...giggity giggity goo. Yeah. I've been having roaches in my house as of late. They're really obnoxious. I HATE THEM SO MUCH. Last time I wrote a paragraph like this, it was in my other fanfic called "Chaos in Haven". But you probably haven't read that one. It's saved on a different account. Starburst27. That account. MAN, I MISS writing structured stories like that! I really need to start a fanfic with an actual plot again. Oh but wait, I think I vowed not to do that until I finish "riza encounters a beasty". I started that fanfic in like...2006, and it still isn't finished. Bennett the sage is pretty firkkin great. My forehead itches. Hey why're you angry? CUZ I CAN'T SEE MY FOREHEAD. Alright moving on from obnoxious refernces, Do you know what I really hate about the doctor/master fandom? The fact that a lot of the time, in fanficitons, the authors will make the Master this innocent person who was only killing people because the drums forced him to! And he really is in love with Lucy and Doctor, he just can't control himself because of the drums! oh god why! Ha ha. NO. The master is a cold, cruel evil malevolent being. Sure, the drumming probably was the thing that pushed him over the edge, but he is NOT an uke. No matter how much I like to joke about how he totally is. Master tops Doctor. End of question. my eyeball itches. the airplane didn't land. lost has ended. I miss ben. he was a really just splendid character. Do you guys remember splenda? WTF WAS that stuff? I don't even know. I love Jhonen Vasquez. DAMMIT I LOVE HIM. Ugh. don't remind me. Ha princess bride is an amazing movie. My daddy has netflix. That means that we can watch whatever movie we want, whenever we want. EXCEPT FOR FREAKING CHILLER. PERKELE! Oh and one other thing, stop talking to me, you're not cute or funny or clever or witty or original. YOU ARE ANNOYING. I love all the rest of you though. You guys are freaking great. YES YOU ARE. Ha ha yeaaaahhhh...Do you wanna know the BEST reveiw for a fanfiction that I ever received? It was for this fanfic actually. I can't remember that name of the person and I'm to lazy to look it up right now. But their reveiw said that they wanted to SMOKE MY FANFIC. That is the best reveiw I've ever gotten. And I've written A LOT of fanfiction. A LOT. Lord of the rings is freaking epic. YOUR MOMMA WAS A ZOIDBERG.

"Okay. What do you want from me, Master?" Doctor inquired. Master giggled shyly and blushed a little. He took a deep breath.

"WELL I've been meaning to tellmmpphmm..."Master trailed off and began to mumble. Doctor frowned.

"Hey punk! I can't hear you when you mumble like that! Speak up a little will ya?" He demanded as he drew out his heater(gun). Master yipped. (not yiffed...But he IS part cheetah((see the episode Survival)) so...Is the master a furry?)

"Uhm...I'm sorry! It's just that...I'm really not good at these type of things and uhm...I love you." He muttered. The Master's face was now a deep shade of crimson red and he was looking down at the floor. He was clearly very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Doctor frowned.

"Uh...I know that. We've been together for about a year now...soooo...yeah" He said, confused. Master sighed, clearly flustered.

"Well! I don't want to be bad anymore. The drumming...the drumming made me do horrible...awful...terrible things to people! I-" Master stopped talking and started choking on tears "I never want to hurt anybody ever again! Please help me become good, doctor! I feel so horrible and guilty!"

Master began bawling.

Doctor deadpanned.

He smacked Master in the face.

"Stop acting like a whiny bitch! You're the goddamn Master! You don't act like that!" Doctor Ginced. ( not a real word buuuut...I do not care.)

The slap to his face snapped master out of his OOC trance and he looked around the Tardis.

"Oh gosh. I feel so dirty. I need to hurt someone" Master spat.

"You can hurt me" Doctor said as he took out a whip and some handcuffs. Master smirked.

"I Hate you doctor"

"I love you too, master."

SUDDENLY A STRANGE ASIAN MAN RAN IN.

"I RAFF I RUSE?" he inquired.

They shot him and then they done made sex.

* * *

**MAN. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GLAD I AM THAT I WROTE A CHAPTER.**

**FRICK ON A STICK WITH A BRICK AND A SICK DICK.**

**okay sooo...you guys should review.  
**

!


	9. oh yeah well I blame moffat

**HEY YOU GAIIIIZZZZZZ!**

**feed me.**

**does it have to be human?**

**feed me.**

**does it have to be mine?**

**Oh ho ho. So anyways, I'm really freaking hungry right now. like I am HUUUUNGRYYY**

**here we go again!  
**

**

* * *

**Doctor approached Master and looked over his shoulder at what he was typing.

"Whatcha' writting?" he asked. Master socked him in the face. SOCK IT TO ME. Nixon said that once. It was what won him the election. poop da doop da poop.

"Ouch! You fag! What did you do that for?"

"For the lulz. The eternal and never ending lulz" Master blooped. Doctor's face went all awry and it stretched out.

TO THE MAX.

"Bloop. bloop. bloop. BLOOP" He gurgled. His voice sounded like sandpaper being gritted against a cheese grater. The rough side.

Master blinked and turned around to look at him. Doctor was still preforming this insane action and his hands had transformed into those of a velociraptor. WHAT.

Master glared at him and turned back to his computer which was way more fun than the doctor anyways thank you very much. Doctor developed a hunchback, hoping that this would grab Masters attention.

Sadly, it did not. Doctor grimaced (his face still stretched and such) and he swaped Master on the head with one of his velociraptor claws.

"FUCW YOU." Doctor screamed. The reader looked down at their keyboard to see if the letters W and K were close to eachother.

They weren't

The reader ponder how the above typo had occurred. hurr hurr

The author left them in suspense.

The reader shot themself in the face out of pure confusion.

It sure was lulzy.

So anwyays, then Maste died. But not really. He was okay. Mostly. No I'm kidding he was ok.

Doctor decided that being a freaky velocithingy was not going to get his bff's attention, and so he gave up on that and turned back to his normal form. (the doctor can do that. Because he's actually a transformer. The TARDIS is too)

"So what are you doing on da compy?" Doctor asked.

"I'm trolololing."

"Oh."

"yup"

"whatever".

The end?

* * *

**ALRIGHT. DO ANY OF YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT CHILLER THINGY I WAS TALKING ABOUT LAST CHAPTER? HURRRRMMMMM?**

**you should reveiw.**

**Because I said so.  
**


	10. its a derp

**yep

* * *

**

The two boys were lying in the grass side by side, stargazing.

"Pick a star"

"hmm?"

"Pick a star" He said gesturing at the sky.

"mmm...Okay. That one" his friend answered pointing to one.

"Alright. That will be the first one that we visit."

His friend smiled.

"What if their isn't any life on it?" his friend asked.

"Then we can go to the next one. And the next one. And the next one. And we'll never have to stop." He said, propping himself up on one elbow and leaning over his friend.

They smiled.

He kissed him. The night air had made their lips cold.

* * *

**THAT TOOK ME LIKE...TWNETY MINUTES (lol jk more like ten)**

**BUT STILL. **

**IT WAS DIFFICULT. **

**Anyways, this was my first (and probably last) attempt at writing anything fluffy.**

**DAMMIT JIM I'M A COMEDIAN, NOT A ROMANCE AUTHOR.**

**anyways, reveiw and tell me how shitty you thought this was.  
**


	11. and this is a merp

**HI everyone. This author's note is very important. **

**Okay, Does ANYBODY know where I can watch the third episode of the 1995 TV show "Chiller"?**

**The third episode is called "Here comes the mirror man" and it stars John simm.**

**PLEASE PLEASE give me a link if you know where I could watch that.**

**Thank you.**

**[EDIT]: LOL REPEAT AUTHORS NOTE.**

**But seriously you guys, **

**do you know anything aboot Chiller?**

**like...at all?

* * *

**Doctor sighed. They had been there for 18,000 hours now and none of them had caught a single zarking sea slug! He decided to tell Master that it was time to go home. He stood up.

"Mas-" The boat tipped over. They both fell in.

After being plunged ass first into the water, Doctor felt something attach itself to his ass. It was probably just a leech. Or a Silurian. (Did you know that Silurians can attach themselves to peoples asses and then suck their blood like leeches? I didn't know that. Did you? I was surprised. were you surprised? I was surprised.)

Doctor stuck his head out of the water. He saw that Master had already orientated himself. Doctor frowned. Master looked pissed. The reader gave me a soda. Root beet.

"HEY. THANKS FOR TIPPING OVER THE BOAT ASSHOLE." Master spat. Doctor wiped the saliva out of his eye and sighed.

"We weren't catching anything anyways. Let's go ho-"

"I WANNA SLUG. I LIKE SLUGS" Master bellowed, interrupting the Doctor and spitting all over his face. It was quite the scene.

Doctor hurpled and looked at the camera.

"It's just one of those days" He announced to the audience. Master tensed up. For some reason. Look, the point is that he's angry.

Go kill yourself.

Anyways, Master glared at Doctor.

"Who are you talking to?" Master inquired. Doctor glumped and shrugged.

"Nobody"

Master was not convinced but he let it slide for now.

"Whatever. Well, I wanna keep fishing until I catch a sea slug." He said, whilst placing his hands on his hips. This made his look gay. But that's alright, because he's the Master.

"Fine. Gimme a second." Doctor said and he dived underwater.

Master crossed his arms. LIKE A MAN.

Master stroked his hair.

"THIS IS A HAIR CUT BUILT FOR ACTION" he announced to anyone who would listen.

Poop ensued. Lol jk nobody pooped.

_except for you._

Doctor popped back up the surface with an armful of sea slugs to be eaten.

"here ya go." doctor said.

"AWESOME."

They took them home and ate every one of them.

* * *

**HURM.**

**Well that's that until next tiem!**

**You should reveiw. If you don't I'll murder your first born son. TRU FACTS BRO.  
**


	12. I really like this one

**poop

* * *

**Once upon a time, Master's father, Lord Fallon was walking around.

Lord Fallon approached a woman. He observed her.

"Not trampy enough!" He said, and he continued on his merry way.


	13. they say it's wonderful

**UH. My excuse for this chapter is that my sister wrote half of it.

* * *

**

One day master laid an egg.

"Look Doctor, it's our baby!"

Doctor grimaced.

"NO."


	14. HEY ENGLAND, AWESOME GOALIE YOU HAVE

**ZANZIBAR.

* * *

**So one day, the Doctor was REALLY PISSED OFF and he was so pissed off that he pissed. But he did it in the toilet so that's okay.

Anyways, Doctor stormed into Master's room. Master was sitting on his bed holding vuvuzela. He stared at Doctor in sheer terror. Doctor pointed at him angrily.

Master screamed and ran out the room still holding his vuvuzela. Doctor chased after him, enraged and foaming at the two timelords sprinted down the various hallways of the TARDIS, all the while Master was blowing on his wonderful, horrendous vuvuzela.

"BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" sounded the vuvuzela. Master rounded a corner and crawled underneath a laundry basket. Doctor rounded the same corner, and looked down at him.

"**MASTER.**" Doctor growled and he lifted up the laundry basket. Master shreiked and blew once again on his vuvuzela. He then scurried between the Doctors legs and down the hall. Doctor pursued him.

Wow, so far this chapter has been nothing but a chase scene. Cool.

Eventually, however, Doctor conered his friend. There was no escape for Master. He automatically put his hands in front of his crotch regoin, in fear of the Doctor damaged the family jewels.

"I'M WEARING A CUP". he screamed. Doctor was stopped dead in his tracks.

"what?" He asked, confudled. This split second distraction was enough.

Master bolted away.

Doctor shot him in the head.

The vuvuzela, however, was left unmaimed.

And it continued to BZZZZZZZZ on for the rest of eternity.


	15. a dream

**IN OSAKA**

**oh my god you guys, **

**i wrote like...five new chapters and I got one review. **

**You all suck.**

**

* * *

**Master dug through his pockets. He grumbled and looked in his back pockets. He pulled out his bus ticket, after wondering why he put something in his back pocket because, really, noboy ever uses the back pockets. First of all, because they emphasize your butt. Secondly, people can steal that shit. Third of all, you have front pockets, so why the fuck would you use the back ones anyways?

Master put the ticket into the thingy and began the horrible task of searching for a seat. He took one in the front where the sign said "disabled passengers only".

The bus began and Master glared at everyone on it, making them all feel quite uncomfortable. Spoiler: Woody dies.

Eventually, a strange man with glasses and a brown trench coat came on the bus. He sat across from Master.

A while passed, and then the man sat on Master's lap. Master frowned.

"Umm...What the hell are you doing?" He asked angrily. The man glared at him.

And then he raped him.

And nobody on the bus cared, or did anything about it.

* * *

**THAT WAS MY DREAM LAST NIGHT. **

**I DON'T EVEN KNOW  
**


	16. I cant explain this one

**HERE WE GO

* * *

**ONCE UPON A TIEM, THERE WAS A GIRL WHO WAS THE DOCTOR'S GRANDAUGHTER.

NOOOO NOT **THAT** GRANDDAUGHTER.

THE **OTHER **ONE.

LET'S CALL HER...UHHHH...CINDY-LOU...SIGMA.

CINDY LOU SAID "HI I'M CINDY! A COP/ALIEN/LOVE INTEREST/DUUUUH"

THE MASTER WALKED UP TO HER.

"HEY YOU'RE PRETTY COOL."

"LOLOLOLOLOL CAN I HELP CONQUER WORLDS WITH YOU?

"SURE. YA WANNA GET HITCHED?"

Cindy Lou laughed

"IF YOU ARE MASTER, THEN I SHALL BE MISTRESS" She said

**_WHEN SUDDENLY...!_**

"HEEEEELP! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!" SHOUTED CINDY LOU.

Doctor jumped up.

"SWEET JESUS! WE HAVE TO SAVE HER! I **LOVE **HER!"

Master frowned.

"Like a granddaughter?"

"MORE THAN THAT!"

"BUT SHE'S YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER!"

Doctor smirked

"THAT'S NEVER STOPPED ME BEFORE!"

Jack stood up.

"I LOVE HER TOO."

Ianto nodded "ME TOO"

Martha ran in

"Me too she has a kicking ass!"

"MEEE TOOOOOOO" slurred Adric.

There was a silence.

"UGH! ADRIC! GET OUT OF HERE!" doctor yelled.

Adric frowned.

"Wha what? but I was just trying to-"

"**_GET OUT!"_**


	17. AND NOW ITS TIME FOR A GROUP ACTIVITY!

**Okay reviewers, I'm having a bit of a writers block. (Although, I use the term "writer" loosely).**

**So to remedy this writers block, I want each of you snot nosed reviewers to give me RANDOM words preferably from the English language. **

**I will then compose a chapter containing all of these words.**

**Until then, I have nothing to write about.**

**okay go.  
**


	18. Master's feels

**Do you guys wanna know what's REALLY FUNNY?**

**the chapters that I typed up have been deleted.  
**

**Yeah it did.**

* * *

The Master acted like a jerkass. Everybody knew that. It was common knowledge at this point. He acted like a little bitch to everybody and would kill civilizations just because he felt like it. His favorite hobby was bathing in the blood of innocents. That was always rather fun.

However, just because he was a cold, uncaring, ruthless, murderous monster didn't mean that he didn't have FEELINGS. And at the current moment, his feels were acting up.

"Erk. I have da feels" he muttered to himself.

The reason for Masters feels was Doctor. Not only did doctor cause WHOREMOANS (read:hormones) in the Master, but he also toyed with his feels on a daily basis. At the moment, the doctor was sitting in his room bawwing over something stupid. Something about gallifrey and some bitch named Rose and the Master didn't really care enough to find out what he was butthurt over. The issue at hand was the fact that Doctor locked himself in his room and began to cry and whine and bitch like a bitch.

The crying caused Masters feels to act up. Currently, his feels were acting rather sad and even concerned about the Doctors well-being. He smacked himself in the forehead, trying to ride himself of these feels.

He stomped his foot angrily. He would never admit it, but he hated to see Doctor cry unless he was causing him to cry. Nobody made Doctor cry but him dammit! He balled up his fists, walked up to the doctors door and violently knocked on it.

"OPEN UP IN THERE YOU BIG FAT PUSSY! STOP YOUR BITCHING THIS INSTANT!" master yelled. Behind the door, he heard the Doctor sniffle.

"N-NO!" doctor said.

Master sighed. Maybe he was going about this entirely the wrong way? Maybe he needed to be more sensitive? Master grimaced. He had never been sensitive before and he didn't really know how to go about doing it. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door again.

"O-oh Doctor! I-I'm sorry for yelling at you! Why don't you come out now and we can...talk it over or...whatever!" Master said, trying his hardest to be nice. There was no reply from the Doctor. Master took a long, deep breath.

"Doctor?" he asked.

"Go away!" sobbed the Doctor from the other side of the door.

"ALRIGHT THAT'S IT!" Master screamed.

Using his never-explained electrical powers, Master zapped the door off of its hinges and ran inside the room. He found the Doctor sitting on the edge of his bed with a blanky over him, holding a box of tissues and a picture of Rose.

Master strode up to him angrily and grabbed the sides of his shoulders. Doctor beeped. wait what?

"YOU! STOP CRYING!" master screamed. Doctor immedietly began to cry more. Master's face turned crimson red from rage.

"I SAID STOP CRYING!" he screamed again and this time he smacked doctor across the face. Doctor wailed in saddyness.

"STOP IT!"he said, smacking him again.

"WAAAH!"

"STOP IT!"

SMACK

"STOP IT!"

SMACK

"WHY WON'T YOU STOP CRYING DAMMIT?" master bellowed and he punched Doctor in the stomach. Doctor fell over and sobbed in pain.

Master began stomping on Doctors time-tummy shouting for him to stop crying already. Doctor jumped up and ran out of the room.

"WAAAAAAAH!" he waaah'ed. Master tackled him to the ground and began punching him repetitively in the stomach.

"STOP CRYING! YOU! ARE! MAKING! ME! FEEL! BAD! FOR! YOU!" Master shouted, punching him with every word. The doctor promptly threw up on him. The Master looked down at his soiled hoodie. Why did these things always happen to him? Here he was, trying to be genuinely nice, and the Doctor just throws up on him. He sighed and walked away from Doctor.

Why bother trying to be sensitive when nobody appreciates what you're doing? He walked inside his room and began to sulk.

He sighed and began to think silently to himself.

There was a silence and then...

"Sulk is a funny word." he remarked.

* * *

**The only thing Doctor did in the chapter was cry and throw up...**

**Anyways, review.**

**Toodles!~  
**


	19. Captain Jack Harkness makes an apperance

**Hey ya guys! **

**uhmmm...I wonder if anybody actually reads these authors note? (I know I never do)**

**Anyways, This chapter is very special and has some very serious subject matter. **

**you shouldn't read this chapter unless you are at least over 18, due to the graphic nature of it's content.**

* * *

Captain Jack Harkness frowned and looked down into the little box. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He shook his hand in disappointment, unable to believe what he saw in the box. Jack took a deep breath, and closed the lid of the box. He couldn't just let this pass. It was simply unacceptable.

Captain Jack Harkness rounded the corner and knocked on the door to Ianto's room. Ianto answered.

"Yes Jack?" he said. Jack held out the box and opened the lid.

Inside the box...WAS WEED.

"Where did you get this?" Jack asked sternly. Ianto took a step back. (to the future)

"It-It isn't mine I swear!" Ianto stuttered. Jack took a step closer to him.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THIS!" He yelled. Ianto shook his head.

"I don't know who that belongs to!" he said.

"WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO DO THIS?" Jack hollered. Ianto began crying.

"**I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU, OKAY?"**

**_CAPTAINS WHO DO DRUGS, HAVE BUTLERS WHO DO DRUGS._**

**_TALK TO YOUR BUTLER ABOUT DRUGS._**

**_IF YOU DON'T, WHO WILL?_**

* * *

**I really have no excuse for writing such bullshit. **

**Somebody, stop me!**

**reveiw**

**Toodles!~**  
****


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